Life, Mental Health

Changes.

Grace, I know you’ll carry us.

Today marks exactly one year since I took my last antidepressant medication.

Yesterday I got a big fat rejection and it still stings a bit.

But I’ve just woken up from the most spiritual nap of my entire existence and it feels like a new lease on life. I love happy tears!

The grim reaper must really work hard in August, but God works harder.

I’m thriving, nonetheless. I still have my bad days, just like everyone else. Some days I wake up and feel like doing drugs, putting myself on a euphoric trance and gawking at everyone in this hard life with a big bunny smile on my face. Other days, a lot of days, life is good. I wake up and get this desperate desire to swing dance with my favourite person in the living room, spontaneously.

That only means I’m painstakingly transitioning. Feeling quite adventurous, active and brave. Steady overcoming the old patterns that weighed me down. I’m learning to repeat affirmations of forgiveness and grit to myself. I feel overtly blessed that reality is no longer obsolete for me and I’m no longer walking in the shadows where life feels so bleak, where self-actualization and lethargy are daily struggles. I’m no longer sitting on a time bomb.

Making my mental health a priority has returned and restored so much to me, in me. Self-love. Valour. Empathy. Grace. Refulgence.

The road to redemption is never linear. In fact, it’s marked by twists and turns and unexpected surprises and stops. It’s not always rainbows and sunshine but representative of the essence of the balance. So I’m letting go, but also taking the helm. The unseen and the unknown shall cheer me on, I trust.

In between, I’ve been reading some very powerful page-turners. Hooray! I love words with all their nuances, connotations and layers of meaning. And I’ve been coming across just that. True wordsmiths and their words that make every pore of your body stand up in agreement. Words that slap and hug your whole being at the same damn time. Words that open up the pit from where emotions emerge. Words that resurrect your life. Unnerving and comforting.

The goal is to vibrate so high that negative energy will no longer know me by name.

My favourite quote from one of those riveting reads was, “There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.”

My other favourite was a tough tie between, “Get in the habit of celebrating yourself from skin to marrow, you’re magic.” & “Fall for yourself, shamelessly.”

Another one said, “Fighting sadness is necessary war.”

“There is no solid fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” also deserves a notable mention.

Writers are such Messianic beings. They deserve immortality. How I love to breathe in a new page and be taught daily!

Well I’ve taken their words letter by letter and planted them carefully in my soul. Now, excuse me while I burn some bridges.

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9 thoughts on “Changes.

  1. I loove how you write omg. ‘Words that slap and hug your whole being at the same damn time’ – this is the best description, and also the last sentences about planting words letter by letter into your soul, love it 🙂

    It’s great to hear that generally the transition period is going well, I’m concerned about coming off antidepressants (whenever that is going to be), and I’m doing much better than I used to be, which I actually find quite hard – I think I’m almost insecure about being mentally healthy and find it hard to let go of being depressed. So it’s really comforting to hear such a positive description of that experience. Thank you!

    Like

    • Ida-Sharon Ngollo says:

      Thank you so much. You know I felt every single sentiment of your last paragraph at soul level. I understand where you’re coming from. I’d like you to know that I’m rooting for you and your mental wellness, on or off meds. Power to you. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: PAINSTAKINGLY TRANSITIONING. – Journey: Lost AND Found at The Same Damn Time by Samantha N. Hill

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