Mental Health, Mothers' Day

MAMA

Dear Queen,

I’m not sure which sin I’m trying to atone in this letter but I know for a fact that intrinsically, deep, deep down, I am tainted. A tainted daughter, sister, aunt, niece, relative, friend, student, citizen, blogger – whatever it is, I am tainted. A tainted and temperate human.

I find myself wallowing in self-pity. Self loathing, constantly going to pieces. I’ve convinced myself that I’m desperately foul inside, both in my heart and in my brain. Apologizing for this insidious and compounding illness to you every time and especially today, is a horrible way to celebrate you on this Mothers’ Day or on your birthday that is due tomorrow. I hate the fact that apologies in this context are just words, because words are transient.

Mama, these are the thoughts mulling around in my bipolar brain. I have this hedonistic desire to journey this trial while loving on the truth. Writing about my condition feels like a blank slate, taking away some of my own drama with each post. This is my internet ‘black box’ where I can voice everything that I do not voice to you and the people in my life. This is a glimpse into my breaking heart through my bleeding pen, allowing my thoughts to be glamourised by the anonymity and obscurity of the web.

I’m sorry that I have become too lethargic, too ratty, too cross, too self-involved or too narcissistic to sometimes acknowledge you. Here’s to let you know that you are my all. Thank you for loving me through my sins and failures. Thank you for loving me to life.

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9 thoughts on “MAMA

  1. Such a sad, heartfelt letter! I am Bipolar and it has been necessary for me to embrace my artistic talent, effervescent light and joy to be around and then to find compassion when I sink into the swamp. I feel for you. I am 62 years old now and not having my period every month has helped, nevertheless, it is not an easy disease to live with. Keep me updated and a big hug and kiss to you. I shall follow your blog and be there for you if you need a shoulder to cry on. Be kind to yourself and try to behave in a disciplined way. Exercise and routine helps.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My best friend is a single mom with bipolar, our friendship started with ten years of pure and simple her and then all came crashing down when her one backbone and father passed away. In the years since then it has been a roller coaster of depression and mania around every corner, having her pouring salt over her head saying she is taking a shower to having to reach out in a total blackness of her room to find her curled in a ball under her bed. She wasted away thousands of dollars left to her son by his father and then blamed herself to the brink of suicide , her loneliness for love is an ongoing battle but her skills as a mother when level would win an award. She is still my sunshine and I never leave her side even now as I am married and have moved from next door to her to a 30 min drive, she is still a person, still my bestie, I see you, her and all other with bipolar, as no different than any other with just a uniqueness that makes you you!

    Liked by 1 person

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